A written statement regarding the tragic events that befell Caverndish. The current title holder for unluckiest man for 3 years in a row.
Part 1An unjolly account of Samuels terrible run of bad luck
Part 1
I did get two fingers jammed right up my anus. It was fucking painful! Guess what, turns out there’s worse things than a relentless fingering of my bum by a nurse who decided it was a get time to check my prostate.
All these bizarre health problems happened to me at once. I’m extremely lucky to be alive. The strange part is that none of my health issue were related. I’ve had the worst luck I’ve ever heard anyone have.
On the 27th of December I broke my left hip. I have a super rare hip disease called perthes disease and my hip finally failed me. I tried to sleep through the excruciating pain. My Father, girlfriend and good mate all tried so hard to get me to go to hospital but I was really stubborn. On the 30th I felt so bad I let my Dad take me to hospital. They took a complete blood test and that’s when I found out I had Sepsis, bursitis in my right shoulder and a broken hip. I was put on a life saving constant dose of medicine to fight off the sepsis.
Part 2
I couldn’t move any of my limbs so I also suffered pretty awful alcohol and nicotine withdrawals. I was in hideous pain. The doctors messed up and gave me 2 medications that I’m allergic to which made me suffer intense hallucinations for 48 hours. During this time I lost 85% of the hearing in my right ear about 25% of my vision in both my eyes. I was tripping so much I didn’t even realize I was in hospital. It took me until the 2nd of January until I could communicate with my partner Karen and that’s when I first told her of my hearing and vision loss. I had missed the window where I could have saved my hearing because I couldn’t communicate due to the drugs they gave me.
Part 3
A day or so later a specialist came to me and told me that on top of everything I had suffered liver failure andhad final stages of advanced liver disease. Everyone was sure I was going to die. I had a priest come to my bedside and give me my last rights while I discussed assisted suicide (which is legal) with their end of life team. Pretty fucked up hey. I couldn’t move at all still and I was in the worst pain I’ve ever been through. I was secretly arranging a large dose of xanax and heroin because I always promised myself I wouldn’t die in a horrible was in hospital. I was waiting for my friend to guarantee me I was taking enough heroin to kill myself.
Part 4
My main problem is that I couldn’t move from my bed. I needed to get home so I could take the xanax, heroin and alcohol that would have instantly killed me but also send me off to the nothing wrapped in large breasts. I don’t know how but my Dad figured out I was going to kill myself. He called me in hospital as he had left Ballarat to cover for me doing some cat sitting in Byron. He asked me pass him onto the head doctor. An hour after my Fathers mystery phone call to my head sealalists I was visited by the hospitals pain management team who had seemingly had a change of heart and were now more than happy to immediately start giving me a non-stop, rather large supply of Endones and doubled my pain patch I was wearing. I still went through a few ago using night and days in absolute agony and was given a third powerful pain killer. Some days I took 10 Endones, 20 Bupanorfine, another bunch of heavy pain pills that I forget their names and a few times got pumped full of fentanyl, to my absolute delight.
Part 5
I found out a week or so later that my Father had told the specialist who ran my ward that if his Son kills himself due to his unbearable and untreated ain that my Dad would sue the shit out of the Doctor and the entire hospital. I actually still feel emotional to this day when I think of my Dad sticking up for my right to have my pain managed.
Part 6
This tale could go on forever, Basically, after 4 weeks in hospital I was sent to another hospital where they started to work on my physio, my movement, my right shoulder and the obscene pain it was giving me. I can’t remember too much about this place. My lower abdomen started to fill up with water and my feet and ankles were huge and my body was covered in large spots. It turns out that my platelets were extremely low and seemed to be the main reason my body took on 10kg of water.
Part 7
I was introduced to palliative care who said it was too early for me to be transfered there. I was eventually sent back to the main hospital as the two specialist were very concerned about my blood work results and didn’t have enough staff for me if something were to go wrong. I spent a few more weeks back in hospital but had managed to put myself into a wheelchair with training and support that offered me a lot of freedom. The skin all over my back turned really spotty and was covered in a red itchy rash which was driving me crazy trying scratch it to relieve the itchiness.
Part 8
During this entire time Karen, my life partner, best friend and suddenly now my officially sanctioned support carer had immediately quit her job to look after me. She applied for a full time carers job and didn’t receive an answer or payment for months and months. The two of us both lived off my income from being put on a sickness pension. This was probably the poorest time of both our lives. Somehow Kazzy made our money last.
Part 9
Karen is also her Mother’s full time carer, her Mother is at the winding period of her life and her dementia has been just fucking awful to witness. Once again Karen is helping everyone and she doesn’t event get paid. The poor girl even knelt on the floor and had the clean my shitty bum that the nurses had been neglecting and lying about it. The worst culprit Nurse Emma who left me covered in my own piss and shit and lied to Karen. One morning at 4am I awoke in excruciating pain and asked for my potty so I could a little poo. The nurses demanded and forced me to take myself to the toilet. I remember crying and begging them to let me use the potty but these two absolute cunts forced me to put myself in the wheelchair without any support and under some of the worst ongoing pain I’d experienced to date. All the other nurses seemed great
Part 10
A quick wrap up. I was eventually released from hospital and had to get used to living the life of a wheelchair bound and still extremely sick with sepsis. My bursitis seemed to heal slower than anything in my life. I was bound to Karen. Without her I was fucked. We were still unsure if I was even going to make it through to my Birthday without me waking up dead. I had no idea how sevre my sepsis still was even though Karen mentioned to me many times just how devastated my body had been and still was from the affects of the sepsis I still had.
Part 11
A small miracle happened. After my medication had seemed to be sorted out and I stopped having terrible affects due to incorrect dosing I started to notice that the sides of my abdomen were not as large as normal and all the pain I had there eased up. I weighed myself to find that I had lost 5kg in just 7 days. It turned out later that it was a mixture of muscle and water that I was rapidly losing. After another 4 weeks had past I had lost another 13kg and hadn’t been that slim for around 15 years. I was actually 35kg lighter to my biggest size of 131kg I was while living in Tasmania.
Part 12
My life turned to absolute shit a couple of days afterwards when I found myself suffering from being unable to draw in a full breath. It was an absolute horrible feeling and I thought it was either lung cancer or some other type of fucking horrible lung disorder. Once again I refused to go to hospital and stayed at home gasping to breath like a stubborn idiot. I did get taken to emergency in an ambulance. I remember being in ER and telling Karen that I actually think I’m about to die. She actually agreed that there seemed to be a high possibility that I was at deaths door. Apparently looked absolutely terrible and moments from death. After 6 hours in ER they found me a tiny little place that I remember I lost my hearing and some of my eyesight. The specialist came to me around 10pm to inform me the my liver had completely malfunctioned and sent all the liquid my body tried to run through it into my right lung instead of my stomach. The told me they would operate tonight and insert a hose through my back and into my right lung. I was then to have wine cask styled on/off pourer and they hoped to be able to drain my lung completely. It was a Monday night and I changed clothes for surgery. For some fucked up reason every day until Friday my surgery would always be postponed. One day I got a really dodgy surgeon who attempted the operation but completely fucked the entire thing up. Every hour and every day my lungs continued to be flooded and not be able to breathe was unbearable. On. Friday I got what ai needed, a slick, fast and precise surgeon who aced the operation and only put me under some tough but bare able pain. Once he flicked the top and 2litres were drained from my lung in under a minute giving me inststant relief. I was sent home again but was told that a lot of people have their lung fill up again very quickly. It was mentioned that it was possible that I may have this issue happen constantly and for my life’s entirety. Karen agreed with me that if it kept coming back then she would understand that I would end my life. Karen offered and even seemed surprised when she said she would never leave my side, even if I conducted a session kill yourself you sickly man. I told her that I really wanted to be alone. We had a fairly large discussion about it when guess what??
Part 13
On an off over the past 2-3 weeks I constantly getting blood work checked among a host of other health related checks and scans. My first scare was blood pressure that was so low that it kicked off a special alarm that sent 13 doctors and specialist into the small room. I got terrible anxiety and could feel a panic attack coming on but I managed to use an old breathing technique I had been taught to ward it off. I was so close to being resubmitted instead my blood pressure medication was adjusted to sort me out. Well, it did the complete opposite and sent my blood pressure so fucking I thought I was going to have a heart attack at any moment. After about 3-4 my blood pressure was back to absolutely perfect. This should have cheered me up but I had received some other strange and dharstardly news fuck my head and absolutely confirm to myself that, I am the most unluckiest man in Australia. The two years leading up to this were also just horrific.
Part 14
The results from an MRI done on my head revealed that I had blood trails all around my brain. This news really rocked my world. As it stands there is no indication of how this happened. I actually had a bunch of surprisingly good news come my way for once. I had stopped using the wheelchair and now use a walking elbow crutch. Kazzy was accepted by the Australian government to become my full time carer and gets paid roughly $1,200 per for night. She received a very large sum of money as back pay that she used to clear all the money we had borrowed off friends and family.
Part 15
I finally got accepted by a top surgeon to receive a total left hip replacement. My left hip has been deformed and caused my pain since the onset of the ultra condition I had called perthes disease. My disease started when I was 7 years old and now at the age of 49 it is going to be replaced with a top notch new hip. The draw backs of this operation is the very high risk of suffering a heart or stroke. I also have about a 1% risk of death. There are huge risks that my liver could cause me some very serious issues as well. I asked my pain management team to take me off all the endone patches I was using. I’m now on a monthly injection of Subutex that started at 160mg and currently sits at 96mg. We plan to have me down to 62mg every 6 weeks which will help with my hip surgery. This drug also stops me from abusing any type of opiate including heroin.
Chapter 16
I’ve now had 4 sets of blood work taken and every single time the results from the large array of tests performed have shown that my body keeps getting stronger and is currently stable. The infectious disease team have completely cleared me of having any type of sepsis left in my blood. I’ve actually only recently found out how devastating sepsis can be and that I was extremely lucky to come out unscathed. I had my hearing checked again and for some unknown reason my right ear has healed itself by around 20%. The specialist I see about my hearing said she was amazed and told me she has never seen anyone in her professional career get some of their hearing back without taking full on drugs. I have hit a level where I am now available to receive a free hearing aid which should vastly improve my hearing some more. My liver is actually in a better state than I was first told. I still have chirrosis of the liver but it should last me up to 5 more years as long as I never drink again. The bad news is I am back drinking alcohol everyday. Nowhere near as much as I used to but I’m sure I’m drinking enough that will kill me in around a year.
Chapter 17
Life started to look potentially like something I could still have until I’m an old man. The only hospital in our entire state that persorms liver replacement has accepted me into their program. I asked to be seen by an alcohol detox centre and are currently trying to get myself accepted to help me stop alcohol for good. They are also going to see if I can join them at rehab. This would give me the best chance to fuck booze out of my life.
Chapter 18
Lastly, around 3 weeks ago I suddenly had a severe medical emergency as my left eye had a sudden and devastating hemorrhage. I’ve been to the specialist three times in three weeks and are scheduled to see them tomorrow. Last week when they checked out my right eye the told me it had gotten worse. I already new this though. I have 10% of vision in my right eye and am being looked at to receive surgery which could potentially give me some vision back. I can hardly even drive a car and have started closing my right eye throughout the day and night.
Chapter 19
Some other shit news. Karen and I are really struggling to be together. She is right to get shitty with me if I drink alcohol, take someone else’s strong medication just to get high or ignore my daily stretches and occasionally forget my medicine. She has actually started to be extremely abusive towards me and also very controlling and rude. She told me to leave the other week and it fucked my head up. I’d die without a carer and a roof over my head. I need Karen to stop being so fucking mean. Last of all, I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder by my GP. Surprisingly, my anxiety is practically non existent for the first time in decades.
End Ende Fin